Regression
If I don't write in words the insides of my mind, I will burst.
I told my doctor I felt I was stuck in the infant stage: I can hardly take care of my own needs, so that is accurate. Trying to do anything besides what a baby does, that is, simply exist, is impossible — except for reading, writing, watching tv. I suppose I am actually stuck in the toddler stage. My earliest memory dates from age 4, and I feel around that age right now. I spent a lot of time alone at that age, and I am doing the same right now.
One difference is, I am not lonely now because I have have Sayang and my other furkids; this would have saved me from a broken heart at that age, a breaking that I didn't even know was happening, or what it was, or how to verbalise it.
Right now the insides of me are still unresolved because until I can go back into my infant-toddler stage and break the trauma loop, I will remain stuck here as an adult, and never recover enough to be the functional person I used to be and go back to doing work that I want to do.