Week 1 of being on ADHD medication
It was a torturous route that got me there, but I'm finally on ADHD medication, which I started last Saturday. I've since been obsessed with ensuring it works, and in what ways, making sure I have something to report when I have another psychiatrist consultation. Too obsessed actually. I have read and researched so much on ADHD just in the past six days alone.
At first the doctor wanted me to start on 20mg methylphenidate (Medikinet MR) but I told him that there was an SNRI I took once, venlafaxine, that made me become manic, so he decided to start me on 10mg first. But after a couple days of that, I felt absolutely nothing, be it beneficial or adverse. Because my life is on such a dangerous precipice right now, with complete executive dysfunction, I really didn't want to wait the recommended minimum of one week before titrating to a higher dose or when I next see a psychiatrist. So I decided to take 20mg, and see if that made any difference.
It did, somewhat. Firstly I felt like I had more energy, instead of the usual chronic fatigue that has been plaguing me since I came down with fibromyalgia; and to a lesser degree much of my life before that as well. It was one of the key factors that led the neurologist to my diagnosis, in fact. With the alleviation of fatigue - significantly, though not completely - it became less of a dread to do non-physical home care stuff such as online purchasing,which I can do in bed. It felt that I was procrastinating less; a subjective assessment, because I still very much have ADHD time-blindness. Which leads me to this time-sucking rabbit-hole I ended up in: spending time online researching ADHD, specifically with regards to symptoms I should assess to see if my medication is working. In fact, this boost in mental energy seems to be contributing to my thought hyperactivity. If I can channel it into the right essential self- and home-care activities, it would be useful. But so far it hasn't always worked.
I know it hasn't even been a week, but time is running out: I need to get my very dysfunctional life in order, and get back to work. This is time-sensitive, because the very trigger that worsened my undiagnosed ADHD so badly, to the point it finally became recognisable, is the stress from J not giving me the rest of my share of the sale of my old flat; I am running out of cash to the point I might become homeless soon. It has been repaid so far in drips and drabs that aren't enough to cover what I need to survive. Therefore I need all my symptoms to improve so I can get on track to making my life work, solving the problems I have right now. I am in no place to do that now; it is hard even for me to brush my teeth and wash my face daily.
Hence my desperation. That's why I say my life is on a dangerous precipice.
I am thus trying to channel my increased energy towards doing physical self-and home-care activities, like cooking, or showering, or doing laundry. I am trying really hard but that needle hasn't moved yet in the right direction.
So far I have tried being more aware of time: the ADHD brain cannot perceive time the way normal neurotypical people do. It explains why I can't use digital clocks properly, because it doesn't show me how much time is left till the next hour; and why I am always late no matter how many hours beforehand I start to get ready to go out. So I try to check the time more each day. I am also trying to find a way to become aware of my tendency to hyperfocus and not realise hours have gone by. It is hard to stop when you are in the flow or rabbit-hole, but I am trying to find a way to 'end scene' my daily obsessive ADHD research when I finally realise too much time has passed. This will help me transition to the next task, especially since that task would likely be an essential task like feeding myself near dinnertime.
I can't seem to feel less dread about the physical activities of daily living (ADLs) yet and I'm stuck: I don't know how to troubleshoot this. I don't know when the CGH psychologist I met a few months ago, before ADHD diagnosis but after the onset of executive dysfunction, to finally schedule me an appointment with her to start CBT. I will ask again for the third time when I have my next consult. It shouldn't take months for me to get help with something that has reached boiling point. So I'm on my own. I have always found it hard to do simple basic tasks, it has just been harder since my separation from J, and then even harder still, when my financial situation has worsened.
As of now, my clock says 5pm. I need to get myself off the bed and try doing one of those physical ADLs. I can't keep failing every day at this.
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