Avalon's Handbook: How to love & live with someone like me - part one of a series
Part one of a series of posts.
Someone like me: a woman with depression, anxiety, complex PTSD i.e. trauma from adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), fibromyalgia, secondary conditions due to injuries from a suicide attempt, ADHD, and other unexplained symptoms due to currently still-undiagnosed illnesses. Someone with disabilities that are both invisible and visible, physical and mental, because of the above-mentioned health conditions; all of which are moderate to severe, chronic and lifelong (read: incurable). People like me are known by several names: persons with disability (PWDs); spoonies; those who are neurodiverse as opposed to neurotypical. The specific collection of health issues I listed above does not look the same in others who might coincidentally have a similar illness, injury or disability. It will have differences in the way their symptoms present and in their severity: diagnoses have to be applied to me uniquely and specifically. Add all of the above to who I am as a person in terms of my strengths and weaknesses, my character, identity, personality, intellect, beliefs, life goals and dreams, and you have a simplified summarised description of what I mean by 'someone like me'. I have to be emphatic about describing myself in terms of these illnesses and disability, because that is my reality, and what this series of posts will be about. If you feel differently, perhaps believing instead that I can be cured, that I shouldn't be so negative, that whatever difficulties I face can be overcome by hard work and commitment alone, then there is no point for you to read further unless you align yourself with what I am saying. Because if you don't, and you try to implement whatever 'suggestions' are contained herein, they will not work over the course of your relationship with someone like me. The way you behave - in terms of acts and deeds; in what you explicitly communicate out loud in words, and what you implicitly communicate through body language - if that is all that you are trying to change and nothing more, your attempts at change will not work, because what I will write about goes beyond actions and words. It goes deeper, into your belief system and attitude. Whatever examples and suggestions I mention in this series of posts cannot be merely carried out as is - it has to first come from the heart, and originate from love that is unconditional, a love that helps you put yourself fully in my shoes.
If you want to know how to love and live with someone like me, it presupposes that you actually - do - love me, unconditionally, and that you truly want to do so for as long as is humanly possible - by my side, with me by yours in reciprocity. It also means that you are willing to do so with your eyes wide open, seeing not just the complete laundry list of my health problems, but knowing that you are taking on the task of love that is way beyond what your peers will ever take on in their relationships with abled people. And despite having to work so damn hard every day to overcome the iceberg that this challenge to love me is and will always be, it may not necessarily seem to others that it requires that much work at all, and maybe no one will even see you as a saint - they might even unjustly criticise you for not doing enough, even if you read this guide and strive to apply it in its entirety. It will be truly that much more work, and stress, to love someone like me. But then again - it is much more work and stress for me too, in simply living every day successfully and loving myself, as well as to love you in return. So, you wouldn't be alone in this challenging endeavour. However, it may not be more rewarding as a result of the extra work you need to put into a relationship like this, especially when you look at it with cold, hard logic. This only makes sense when love is involved, otherwise this how-to guide will seem to suggest the impossible in all of its contents. This love has to be really and truly deep, in order for the understanding and application of this guide to be feasible. Love, with the kind of depth that you hear described in the lyrics of modern-day love songs in every language, in the words of literature and poetry from across the ages; words using imagery that is seemingly too hyperbolic and impossible - except to the one who is in love.
I need to add disclaimers before I begin. What I am going to write about does not mean that I do not need to try and work on my recovery journey; or that I have neither done nor will do anything wrong in a relationship, past and present. Nor does it mean that I have nothing to change and improve on continually, in order to be a better life partner to someone (things I can feasibly change and improve on that my health does not render impossible for me). I need to add this caveat because I know that while I am discussing this topic, I will be reminded of and rebuffed by my shortcomings that have nothing to do with the topic delineated in the title of this blog post. Even though this seems like basic logic, emotions will inevitably lead any rational mind offtrack sometimes. I too need to be circumspect of any failings of mine not due to any of the illnesses listed above, and that I should always be willing to work on such weaknesses if someone who loves me tells me so.
I also need to say that for an abled (or a less disabled) person in a relationship with someone like me, that person is going to often feel like their needs don't matter, because their loved one's needs will always seem more necessary, urgent, or important. But this is not true, and I am cognizant of this reality. There are healthy ways for both people to be able to communicate what they need, and to deal with those needs, without neverending conflict and heartbreak. I will try my best to suggest how that can be done in my writing of these blog posts.
Before I begin, I need to introduce some concepts. First of all, the concepts of disability and ableism, before going into specificities of a long-term relationship with a PWD. This is not an abstract discussion, but a very real phenomenon that people like me - who live with disability (visible and invisible, physiological and psychological), chronic illness, chronic pain, mental illness - reckon with on a daily basis, and throughout our lives, even if it is unintentional or due to being uninformed. Introducing the concepts of disability and ableism will help me explain this how-to guide that is specific to me and my collection of medical issues. I do not want to sidetrack too much into this, so it will be easier if you googled the concepts of disability and ableism as I continue sharing with you this attempt at a handbook. The next post (part two) in this series will tackle disability first. [Eventually I will add on useful hyperlinks in this post as I continually edit and add to this ongoing series.]
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All of the above seems like a lot already, even before I have actually started on the content proper. I think it is best to keep each blog post short, so for now I will leave you, my reader, to reflect and ruminate on what I have outlined above. Then, you can continue the series with part two.
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