escape hatch
I would have preferred to write this sooner, but my preferred device is currently being uncooperative. I like typing on an actual keyboard, with soft clackety-clack noisy and a palpable springy sponge-like touch that the keys feedback to my fingers. So I am now using my thumbs on a tablet. But if I don't spend some time writing this post, I fear an as-yet unnamed shitstorm might occur sooner than later.
My stress response has been completely banjaxed. Complete, because I no longer malfunction, I just don't function at all. Executive function - nil. I know what i need to do to take care of myself, my home, my cat, my work. But it is as if my body is disconnected and I cannot take a single step towards doing any of the tasks required to achieve my goals.
My fight or flight response is currently in freeze-mode. Even if the enemy is right in front of my face, I feel stuck to where I am and cannot move. I know I should fight or take flight but cannot do either.
So instead I isolate myself and escape via solitary activities that help veil reality away from my eyes for a while. I have always done this when I do not know what is the next move to make or feel unable to make the move if I already know it.
As of this writing, I am still unsure of what to do or how to do what is necessary. But this is a step towards clarity. Layers of clarity that are built through thinking, praying, writing and talking. I shall be out of my escape hatch soon, and be where I should be in this world - eventually.
Labels: status