my version of 'bad dick game' (h/t @itsbrianpark), applied to my productivity (part 1)
Recently I've been plagued by a shitty feeling - that really is the most concise description I can give to it. As I ramble along in words, I am going to try and use better descriptors, so I have a better understanding of it, and maybe get the hell out of this shitty feeling. I am not here to produce a good piece of written work. I am just using this page as if it were one from a journal.
I think this feeling stems from both being physiologically unable to do productive things around the house effectively and on schedule, if at all, and also from not feeling motivated enough to beat these symptoms of fatigue. Even though time keeps ticking by around a virtual stopwatch in my head, I just cannot get myself to take care of this house so I can take care of myself, Sayang, and finally go back to work, on schedule, as planned. It is a sense of feeling impotent, and the more performance anxiety I have, the more impotent I feel, and the less likely I will break out of it too.
I would rather escape into something on a screen; consume media or play sudoku over and over, read anything, than to try harder to fight this impotence. I am too tired to try harder, if at all, at least for now. So I keep on feeling shitty, because getting things done is a morale boost, and one which I do not have at the moment because I am not getting anything done at all.
If this analogy of impotence and performance anxiety is a good match, I suppose I need to firstly stop having performance anxiety, or what comedian Brian Park calls 'bad dick game'. I will have to mull over this comparison a little:
In performance anxiety there is an element of time that is a major factor. Time as in, it has to happen now, don't waste time that you will never gain again after it's lost, time you cannot control because it is seemingly up to your body and in the control of someone else. Stress happens not when there is a problem per se, but when you are apparently not in control of the situation and thus cannot fashion a solution. This factor of time is a big one for me because the plan was to get myself set up in my new place, take care of myself properly, and go back to work. It was supposed to happen this year, and it is already Q2. When I am not doing any home organisation, housework, or self-care, I feel like such a horrible person for wasting time doing whatever inconsequential lame thing while resting. This is my time factor.
There is also an element of mind over matter. But my mind feels too muddy to tread through this train of thought. I shall have to leave this for now, and mentally chew over it.