frozen in the interim
It has been so long since I have written on worlds upon words that I think I might have forgotten how to. I can remember what it feels like to write on a digital sheet of paper on blogger.com, how the words would flow in a manner to form the worlds written about in each post, as if the written piece was created not by me but through me, and I am a mere unknowing but yielding vessel. I just need to open this page and start tapping on keys to describe what and how I am feeling and thinking right there and then.
I no longer use this space to journal, or to update people on how I am. I use Twitter for that. So I will assume whoever reads this to already know what my life looks like in this moment; there is nothing to update, no situation to describe for the sake of it. I am just here for the process of writing.
Today I opened this digital sheet of paper to write on because I am feeling less than the best I ought to be. For the past couple of days, I have been telling myself that I will do better, I will be better, for myself, for Sayang, and get myself back to work after taking care of setting up my new home with her. Part of this resolve comes from confidence that I can be better, that I am able to do better. It is rooted in that faith. However I also feel the glass half empty, like I haven't been my best, and that I have failed in this regard. I ought to feel the sense of ability more than the sense of failure, but I cannot help how I feel. I know this feeling will pass once I start working on being better. I just wish it wasn't so hard to be that better version of myself.
And it really is hard. I don't know why there is so much inertia and sense of being frozen in place that comes from having chronic depression and childhood emotional trauma. Is this even normal? How did I ever get anything done before? When I did achieve something, I felt like an imposter, because the norm for me is to be in this frozen, inert state. Perhaps this inertia is all because of neurochemistry imbalaces? Believing so would help me divorce my sense of self-worth from being able to do things for the home and for myself.
I don't know if describing this inertia here will help me break out of it, but it is one of the things I am able to do now, at the very least. I have tried to get myself to write here many other recent times before now, I just happened to succeed in this endeavour today. This could help me return to writing here more easily from now on, even if I cannot break out of the inertia regarding home care today.
Labels: state