About strands of me in the written word
In the end, I come back to this space. Me, taking form in words on digital paper; thoughts, feelings, experiences, opinions, stories, verse. Worlds upon words since 2003.
I return here today because I want clarity through structuring what's in the jumbled space of my mind, partly dissected already through recent introspection and conversations in various forms. Perhaps what I need right now is not exactly more of the same, for rehashing recent tormented thoughts is not exactly a pleasurable exercise. I think I want comfort right now, through writing right here, for no audience in particular save the abstract and theoretical concept of a nameless reader. The words need not form a specific pro forma before I start typing: it takes shape as I go along. In this way writing here is less restrictive than in the exercise of journalling, because a journal entry is already a set formation of words in itself. I guess one could say a worldsuponwords blog post is more 'psychodynamic' than the classic journal entry.
Two paragraphs in, I still do not know what I came here to say. I had a consult with my psychiatrist yesterday, one of two that I see regularly, the other being for talk therapy only. This doctor's job is prescriptive in nature: he prescribes me my meds and the form of therapy I should undergo. One could say he is about the big picture and my psychotherapist is about the details. So yesterday, I talked about what I've been thinking and feeling of late relating to my mental health in general. Obviously, I don't feel a need to repeat myself here in carbon-copy entirety - perhaps a few strands of what was said, from a different angle, would suffice for the clarity I'm seeking through writing today.
To be honest, I would rather be off seeking escapism right now, which lately came in the forms of Netflix and online retail therapy, rather than to deal with myself. But doing that would be negligent in my duty of care to myself. (Perhaps later, as a reward, I shall unpack some of my recent retail therapy loot from the boxes strewn around the bedroom which annoy J to no end because they are obstructive.) I ought to at least unpick one strand of what I've been feeling of late, better yet if it is a strand that helps me move forward and fulfill some real-life responsibilities.
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On that note: coping skills. I have had so many reasons over time to repeatedly doubt that I can deal with the real world, and this doubt has risen yet again. In psychodynamic therapy, I talk through the 'why' of things, in essence about the correlation between the past and the present. But it doesn't focus hard on the 'how' - how to deal with present and future stressors, what methods I ought to employ when facing challenges that historically, I have had difficulties overcoming. This is one topic I shared with my doctor yesterday; I wanted to learn about the possibility of concurrently going through both psychodynamic therapy and a coping skills type of therapy such as cognitive behavioural therapy.
Being on sabbatical for the past almost three years, and dealing with the challenge of the interior design and renovation of the new flat in the past year or so, has made me realise once again that I am not coping with real-life as well I would like to. I've recently wondered if it is my sabbatical mode that has made me disconnected from reality, thus really slowing me down in the way I work. Is my recent repeated stuffing up on my flat renovation a sign that when I return to my volunteer work, I will continue to choke, freeze up, obsess over urgent tasks? Or will it be different, either because of the motivation behind the work, or because interior design is a creative pursuit, whereas executive leadership uses the critical thinking part of my brain?
What my psychiatrist told me yesterday was that yes, I could undergo CBT concurrently if I wanted to, but that I will have to commit to a prescribed course of it and actively do the work needed. This commitment will in fact be preliminarily assessed by the therapist, before I can, say, do a 12 week course of CBT. Now that I have these facts, I can think about whether I should give it a go or not.
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One discrete strand of what's on my mind - coping skills - peeled away and made clearer. A practical thought. Here's another one, perhaps a subset of or adjacent to the topic of coping IRL: picking the low-hanging fruit of the self-care tree, hopefully right after I finish writing this post. Because I have been neglecting my self-care a little in all my escapism and retreat from the real world over the past few weeks. But I don't have to forsake one for the other, escapism for self-care, for I can do some retail therapy loot enjoyment through tidying them away and sorting out the clutter of delivery boxes in the bedroom. After I do some of that, a slightly more challenging task wouldn't feel as difficult, in theory. Which would be working on finishing the furniture design for the new flat at breakneck speed without stopping anymore.
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Labels: state, status, therapy