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Thursday, January 03, 2019

an insular 2018

I haven't written here in forever, for many reasons. This post is written on a tablet, a new device that J just got for me to replace my previous one which was a regular-sized Sony phone that had cracked beyond usability. The Sony, albeit a larger-than-usual, made typing difficult for my poor fine motor skills to surmount in order to type anything beyond short texts (I usually use tablet phones - the phone before the Sony was an Asus). This tablet serves well as a one-device user like me, with a 10 inch screen, an added keyboard-in-a-case, plus a stylus too. So now I can type without triggering pain in my fingers, forearms and wrists using any one of three text input modes.

I've also not been on social media for a couple of months, not even to read the news. My only source of news has been from watching Al Jazeera in the mornings over breakfast, and J gives me any notable local news besides that too. I simply fell off the map, I guess. This blog post feeds to my Twitter, so I hope my friends there, If I still have any, will click on it to read this if they wonder where I have gone. I don't really know why I stopped Twitter-ing, I just found other things to do I guess. same for Instagram. It isn't a conscious choice to go dark like I sometimes do. I just would rather do other things. Lately I have been playing crosswords, which is difficult compared to Sudokus, but in researching for clues and through guesswork I have been reading from all kinds of general knowledge fields. Then there is also reading novels, as usual, and watching US dramas, both on my own during theday and together with J when he's home.

I have also been doing more household tasks, like cleaning the bathroom and organising our essentials (since I also am in charge of purchasing our household and pet needs). I think this ability to do more work around the home is an overflow from my increased physical stamina from our Vietnam trip in November, and the training I put in for the trip. During the whole of November, my cardio training had lowered my resting heart rate by about ten bpms. I have since slackened but am slowly working my fitness up again towards a new goal. We can't always go on holidays, so I need to work on being able to do more of those things I like doing that are physically challenging, chronic pain and disability be damned. Hint: my next goal is related to trance music. But that is another story for another time.

A regular day for me nowadays would go a bit like this: If I don't need to go to the hospital that day (which I have to about twice weekly on average), I'd try and get myself to do at least one of say, three things, be it self-care or household chores. I try not to beat myself up about it if I can't even find the strength to take a shower that day, let alone all or any of what I wanted to get done. As it is, my mental and physical capacity aka spoons barely stretches enough to cover the day's intent.

With my new re-focus on my physical health and IRL activities, I don't quite have the capacity for online socialisation. So this partially explains why I've been socially absent. This is like how J and I stopped playing WoW after we adopted Sayang together as a couple. But there's more. Besides wanting to focus more on RL stuff, I am also insulating myself from stressors and triggers, which for all of 2018 have been anything from light and noise to emails and texts. After a year off cat rescue work, I've come to prefer insulating myself from all things relating to my work. Every aspect of my life - stress level, relationship with J, and so on - has benefitted from the shielding away of my stressors and triggers. It's like, in the environment of a psych ward where you heal up before facing the world again, but in my current version, it has a controlled 'quasi-community setting' perhaps, like rehabilitation homes and hospitals. This is not meant fixed and permanent, but it is, I believe, necessary for me now until my recovery journey reaches the next juncture. I am not sure when, where, how; right now I'm taking things one step, one goal at a time.

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