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Thursday, November 10, 2016

Patterns

I've had friends throughout my life who were good to me as well as friends who were mean to me. I know you're probably thinking, mean people are not my friends, friends wouldn't be mean to each other. But I've willingly continued in friendships with people who always wanted their way and their say, even if it hurt me.

I don't know what that pattern is a symptom of; everything has its source. I guess it could be that I tend to love too unconditionally, even beyond a point when it is no longer healthy for me to do so. I often go into interactions with people with an implicit trust that they will do unto me what they would want done to themselves by others. Another reason could be that I'm so hungry for friendship and affection, that even if you slapped me in my face and called me a wretch, I would still regard you as a friend, because I need someone, not bearing with the emotional abuse means letting go of someone I love. Both reasons are probably true.

What does this mean then? It boils down to just poor little Elaine as a young child, again. Back then, I wished someone would give me emotional and physical intimacy. Today, I'm still starving for those things.

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