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Sunday, July 10, 2016

I am still here

I survived.

Am severely injured, but alive, with a decent chance at full recovery, given how gravely I have harmed myself - that is a miracle I reckon.

Two and a half months since: I am still in hospital, as we concur I should return when I have achieved as much mobility and independence again as possible, even though I miss home terribly. I have at least another month to go.

It still hurts to think of that day, but the nightmares are over, the sudden onsets of its memories are now near nil.

I have gained new skills on how to cope with my mood and anxiety. I have gone through the severe, incomprehensible levels of pain of being injured and operated on, and emerged on the other side somehow. I still have pain, I still choke up when I recall what led me to this hospital bed, and what lies ahead. But I told myself repeatedly through this recovery process: one day at a time. With this mindset I have gotten through every day since 22 April.

I didn't even think I would be able to find the words to blog again, but here I am.

Will I ever be able to dance to trance music again? Go to beautiful places with people I love? There are so many limitations I have right now with my injuries.

Though I have come a long way, it is still a long way to go. To go into detail, right now my mobility is limited to a wheelchair. Because I have fractures at, among other places, my pelvic area and lower back, I don't have the full ability to control going to the toilet yet; I - have - regained a lot, managing to go off a urinary catheter, and urinary problems are far less now. Embarrassingly, I pee when I cough, orgasm or exert core muscles during physiotherapy, but I can otherwise control it now. It used to need a lot of exertion for me to urinate but now it is much, much easier. I wear a diaper thankfully! I need to because I still can't fully control my bowels yet (and to catch the pee leakages) - in the early days I couldn't even feel if the diaper was soiled, that was how numb my pelvic region was, and I am glad that is behind me. Now, at least some of the time I can feel it when I need to poop. All this is due to nerve damage from the fractures. It also causes my left foot to be numb and less flexible than my right. At first, even moving my nerve-damaged left leg was impossible without someone's help lifting it. Now, I am still not allowed to stand with it, because it has to not bear weight for three months in order to ensure the pelvic area heals properly. I have experienced horrendous nerve pain in my leg and foot too, as the healing of nerves means oversensitivity to touch and exertion, due to the way nerves communicate with the brain. Also, until two weeks later, I need to wear a brace when I sit upright in a chair, to help align my spine as the various fractures heal. This means I haven't been able to take a shower unless they cart me in a trolley bath and bathe me lying down. I also have fractures in my right arm, and have not regained complete use of it yet, exertion and load-bearing actions still need to hold off.

The psychiatrists here have helped me start sessions with a clinical psychologist, who is a gift. I may also do psychodynamics - a form of treatment that connects our present behaviour to childhood experiences, trauma. Apart from an insufferably arrogant and rude psychiatrist in charge of my case (many government hospital doctors are rude, but this one is the worst), the treatment I am receiving for depression and anxiety is sufficient right now.

My injury pain and fibromyalgia could be much better managed but I have reached a cynical, apathetic acceptance of the archaic and inadequate government healthcare system. I have given up the notion that I can receive the full help I need and have accepted that government hospitals are never going to help me completely in so many respects, including medication. I am trapped here in pain, receiving less than a hundred percent help, but I tell myself, "Forget it," because I have asked and they just won't give it.

I promise to update more now that I have caught most of my online audience (yes, all three of you) up to speed. Until then.

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