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Friday, April 22, 2016

Thank you, and goodbye

"By the time you read this..." is a cliched way to start a suicide letter, but the marvels of scheduled posts make this beginning apt.

You would be no stranger to the fact that all along, J has been paying for my depression and fibromyalgia treatment bills. He told me recently, that he cannot take it anymore. I knew I had to crowdfund to save my marriage and continue getting help for my chronic illnesses.

I have fought my depression for almost a decade now, and every day it is an uphill battle. I realised today, when I had pain set in simply by being out doing cat work for less than 4 hours yesterday, that I probably don't have the strength to raise funds for myself the way I intended to when J said he couldn't take the financial burden of my medical bills anymore.

I don't blame him for thinking I haven't been fighting hard enough over the years. It hasn't been easy for him to provide the basic care I need.

Of course I have been fighting hard, daily, year on year. But really, when is enough, enough? Today I am fighting pain that I want to kill, and firmly decided as well I no longer want to be a burden to J.

I know many of you who are also fighting your own battles have seen me as a survivor. I am sorry that today, I end my survival. I am sure you can continue to go on without me.

Please take care of everything that is important to me.