Thursday, November 05, 2015
coffee and mood and consciousness.
I think I am only conscious of my mood when I am fully awake. It is morning now, I am on my fourth coffee and feeling my moods waking up. I suppose this is somewhat like the opposite of taking a sedative when having a mental breakdown.
I am not sure what moods I will feel as I awaken with this jug of coffee. Will write them down as I sip along.
I usually wake up feeling neutral, say, a 3 out of 10. 4 out of 10 is a good mood score: I can function normally, go about being productive, and I guess if I can hit a 5 it is a good workday. 5 out of 10 isn't a normal score though, I still hover at 3 or 4.
At present on my fourth coffee I am at a 3, and I just want it to not go down further, given that the last few days it was almost a nil score. When it comes to severe clinical depression you can't "choose" to be happy. But you can choose other things. Choosing to believe your loved ones do not feel you are a burden. Choosing to be grateful for shelter. Choosing to ask for help. But no, when the mood dips, you can't choose to elevate that dip by sheer will. Our brains are far more complicated than that.
I am awakening more now, no longer so sleepy that I can only slump and grunt. Never liked the sunrise but I appreciate daylight, it helps us go about our lives after a night's rest. A new start, even if we can't undo the consequences of yesterday's choices - but now everyone can try again.
Those are conscious, mindful thoughts. Looking inwards, now I have awakened more, the truth is I am still sad. Yes, I know I am sad every day, but I don't think this sadness is the usual functional level I operate with daily. It is the kind where I might cry at the psychiatrist's office again. I still hope it will be better than yesterday, and yesterday was already better than the day before. Hoping for an upwards trajectory.
More coffee is poured. The sky gets brighter. I wait before I write my next few words.
It is becoming apparent that this low mood of today requires extra medication. So that I can be calm, think rationally, continue to take care of myself, make it to the doctor's today.
What the extra meds I took for this low mood might do to me: make me sleep again, thus undoing the awakening of myself with the five coffee servings of the morning. Or it might just eliminate the possibility of a full-on depressive anxiety crash. As I now become as awake as the morning is, I know that a crash today is not unlikely. I -am- indeed really feeling down right now. About nothing, about everything; no specificity.
I will have to now adjust my expectations of what I can achieve today. For someone who always likes to outdo herself, this is not fun at all. Today will have to be one of those days where showering twice a day, making it out to the doctor's and back, plus taking medications, are the only things I should expect myself to achieve. Anything more is a stretch goal, "If you can't manage to do those, it is okay."
You know what is laughable to me? That I have to be reduced to this sometimes, still, after so many years of living with depression. And I am supposed to celebrate those achievements too: "I showered! Yay!" I am a fucking founder of a nonprofit, for 7 years almost, and I still have to be reduced to this disabled patient mentality. This feels to me like I have to rest on my laurels and that is completely not in my personality to.
Last few sips of coffee. Tears are threatening to arrive. Am beginning to desperately need encouragement from somewhere. Being awake is akin to torture when you have no ability to feel the effects of positive neurochemicals. I have been fighting this torture every day now, for as long as I can remember.
The coffee mug is empty now. I feel alone. I've spent too much time in my life alone in fighting this disease. I know outpatient treatment involves a lot of self care, but I am just too weary these days to be my own caregiver. Self care, self-therapy, yeah sure, but I am feeling depleted. I know God gives rest for the weary like me, but even if my spirit will never be crushed, good Samaritans and angels in disguise I still need. Not that there are none in my life; so many give monetarily for my medical expenses. I am bewildered at the fact that these friends want to give me so much, so tangibly. In awe and full of gratitude for gifts I do not deserve. But - am I crude for saying this - friends who care are truly few and getting fewer, especially those that once did, but stopped, and those I offered friendship in concern, but did not reciprocate.
I don't think I have cared about this before. I have always been more of a homely person whose favourite activities aren't social. I guess I care now, because of how tired I am of "self care" and because I am disappointed that not everyone reciprocates care and concern. So I unfollowed on Twitter those who either never cared, or stopped caring. I don't feel angry that people don't reciprocate in kind when I tweet concern. I just want to stop being passed over because I need the opposite of that right now. I want to be treated like a real human being behind @avalon just like how treat people I follow as real human beings too.
The coffee is long gone, consumed. Mood is awakened as is my consciousness. It is time to get this day going.
Labels: state, status