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Sunday, November 17, 2013

Maintenance

Flush with frustration internally, bubbling over in bouts of irritability. Have no inkling why this is happening. To top it off I am also losing my steam and motivation.

Maybe I am just a boiling pot running over because the flame is on too high.

Whatever it is, I need to sort it out as soon as I can find out how. For the sake of everybody, and the cause. Following the deeply arced whims of my emotions has always been my weakness. I have been told I only am helpful when am not in a bad mood. I have been told I am fierce. But the flux of my emotions should not affect others in those ways.

Granted, I - have - improved. Compared to the rash nature of my younger self. Compared to when I wasn't on medication too perhaps, which meant then that my mood was lower than neutral almost always.

Actually, I thought writing this would have helped me figure it out by this paragraph. But I am still clueless as to why I am not bubbly and loving and all that.

End of my tether? I doubt that. The game isn't over till we've won.

I need to see this with a management point of view. When staff are unmotivated or discontent, what the problem and thus solution is. In this case the staff being me. I would prescribe a time out, and ways to make my job less tedious. Perhaps when I feel less worn out, I will. I cannot afford not to, right?

Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

God, you led me to this. And now as I keep on going I feel broken and in need of repair. But I am not sure where. This is a roller coaster ride now, with no time to stop and fix myself unless it stops for me and thus for everyone. So, you do the fixing, okay?


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