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Friday, December 07, 2012

recent days

Two days ago, E gave birth. Baby E is absolutely gorgeous. I love him already and will see him next week.

In so many ways we have stopped communicating. For me, even more so, because it is just that much harder to pick up a phone, reply a message. The last time I checked on E she wasn't even pregnant. I lovwe so, yet completely missed her pregnancy. I feel awful about that.

I have come to prefer monologues over dialogues. This way, I have no questions to answer. I need not lie about anything just to make someone else feel better. I do not need to tire myself to draining point pretending to be cheery and all right.

Every day I struggle with trying to be better. This could mean making a successful trip out to be with friends. On bad days, it could mean I actually could stood and walked enough to take two showers in a day. I feel like a complete invalid of course. I envy people who can do normal things that I wish I were doing: working, housework, indulging in hobbies. For me all those things are obstacles I have to scale. One day I will get there. Right now, I will do what is set before me.

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