Wednesday, August 29, 2012
distraught and violated and more
J lost his bag today. He left it at the lift lobby of the government building he works at, Revenue House, where the income tax people work too. Someone took it, and CCTV footage will determine who did when he gets to work tomorrow with the police report he made earlier.He came home to me, and as he talked to me lying in bed, was about to break into tears. I held him, and he cried. I told him what Jesus said, that in this world we will have trouble, but He gives us his peace. That no matter what right things he does, shit and bad things will still happen to us.
J has been having trouble at work because shit keeps happening. It is related to his whistleblowing on a colleague's corruption and the investigation is taking forever. He is also beginning to feel inadequate at doing his job. This is not the J I know anymore.
I know he will find another good job because he is more than qualified for his sector.
But losing his bag, wallet, and the goverment issued PDA, and the fact that the person turned on the PDA (we could call through but the person kept hanging up on us), it is the last straw, almost.
I have been so unnerved by all of this. J's despondency, what caused it.
Been playing this and it helps.
And apart from music therapy, I medicated according to my panic attack symptoms: my hands had gone numb and I lost my voice. I was momentarily paralysed and couldn't quite move. I am on the verge of tears and the sadness is overwhelming in the realm of wanting to end it all. And so I medicated that too.
Regardless, a feeling of despondence resides in the air, it is thick and tangible, like the haze that has been plaguing us of late.