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Monday, May 21, 2012

the distance from normalcy

How far indeed should I trek towards becoming a normal human being? Everything is achingly difficult, but I try nonetheless. But with every regular human trait, sense, of negativity being amplified in a depressive state, I feel like this trek is harder than scaling a overhanging cliff.

And what indeed is -being normal-? When I feel normal, I am not sad. I am not happy either because I don't have the ability to feel happy for real. I just am in a state of nothingness, then, innit?

So what then, is all this trekking for?

I feel like I am a blue-collar worker just clocking in and out, just because. The search for normalcy becomes proletariat in nature. Just do enough to survive. Make some music sometimes. Laugh at small things. Then suffer again the next day at work. So you can go home. And then repeat the next day the same thing.

Yes, my trek towards normalcy is like a never-ending occupation that repeats and repeats and I may never own anything beyond what I have described. Normalcy is in the hands of the fictional capitalists, and I am fucking proletariat.

Like today: I wake up feeling bloody angry. Triggered by construction noises. Then after that, the anger lingers far too long and I am incapacitated. So I try and think up every possible way to combat that. My challenge for the day. I decide to exercise, medicate, drink chilled coffee, smoke, and some of those things work, the others don't. I just keep trying anyway, because it is like a work problem to be solved: you brainstorm and you fix it. It took me all morning, and I am still at it.

And here I am, as I write this, still upset, albeit less, but feeling drained and limp and, nothingness. The ideal state I would like to be in now, is to sleep for three days straight. But that is not normal. We must keep fighting to become a normal human being no?

Oh, you are already normal? Congratulations. You are a better person than I am. Please, go journey towards making a difference in this world, because you are already normal enough to do so. I, am not there, yet, if ever.