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Thursday, December 29, 2011

An unbearable burden

My psychiatrist recently changed my diagnosis from anxious depression to PTSD.

Either way it feels the same.

Today I feel like this truly is the end of the rope. My antidepressant dose is maxed out, and I am already on high doses of adjunct medications. Yet I still feel days of pain, uselessness, immobility, panic, and insanity.

I keep trying and I keep falling. You know how one should focus on strengths, to maximise potential? Life is my weakness. I keep trying at it. And falling. It makes me feel like living is not my strength and I should simply cut it off. It is a dead tree.

Everything is just welled up in me and I keep bearing all of it on my own. Help only subsides the burden that little bit. My life is still my own, as my thoughts and feelings are.

When can I be allowed to let go of life? It is truly unbearable.