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Wednesday, November 02, 2011

#ihavedepression #nostigma every day a battle

It is baffling how I can be this heavily medicated and still feel mood swings of low. It is a higher low that I had been feeling recently since two of my core medications - SSRI and lithium - have doubled in doses. But right here right now, it is a low nonetheless.

I am functional: just made breakfasts for the foster kittens with their supplements. But cognitively I feel a bit challenged, I added a bit too much of one supplement for one kitten's meal, and am not sure if I added two or three capsules of another to three other kittens' meal. They are eating it all the same, which means the taste is not altered much, it probably just means they will recover faster from their sickies. But the thing is, I don't feel all quite there. Maybe it was just that moment.

Right now there is drilling going on outside my flat, the price we pay for urban development - noise pollution. Also baffling, in a good way, that I am not made anxious by it nor irritated. It just is. This is so far better than yesterday, where I was so miffed by the noise I swathed my head in pillows and slept to keep the noise out. I am still awake. Maybe today I will just take the noise in regardless.

But whether or not I can continue to be functional for the rest of this day, I do not know. I want to do my work. I want to be able to take a shower like it is second nature. I want to stay awake. I know it is okay if I can't do all these things today. There is tomorrow. But battling the symptoms of depression is just that - battles. And we fight battles to win. So every day I gear up and fight the battle. As I said to God before I left the house that day to try and take my life: "If this doesn't work out, so be it." So be it that I shall have to keep battling.

I will battle the low mood I feel this morning.

I will battle to lift up my cognitive functioning.

I will battle somnolence.

I will battle anxiety and stress.

I will battle to do the simple things I find difficult.

I will battle to keep up the good work.

So be it.