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Monday, November 14, 2011

De-emphasise - Can I do it?

I am trying to write here to deviate away from what I was doing - planning my work day - because it started giving me anxiety. I feel the onset of a panic attack. I will have to work it into my day, this anxiety, not unlike how rural women carry babies into the fields to work. It is an extra burden that childless humans don't have to worry about. Such is my depression-related anxiety - it is an extra burden normal sane people don't have to worry about.

If I try to rationalise it all, the reason why my beloved volunteer work causes me to feel anxiety when I need to work on it: is just that, it is too beloved to me. I am willing to break up with J if he loses the vision and I am willing to go it alone. I will probably have no reason to live if I don't have this work. I am ambitious to the image of a corporate bitch type. I aim to do so much more every cycle next, and thereafter even more, continuously. This kind of importance is insane but I am like that. My dream, my ambition, overrides everything and needs to keep going up towards fulfillment.

Because my work is so important to me it ironically becomes my stumbling block to itself. Just like how I find it harder to sleep at night than I do taking naps, because sleep at night is so much more important. Just like how I need to de-emphasise sleep at night, I need to de-emphasise my work.

Can I do it?

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