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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Will

Ambition is not a will to live when depressive suicidal tendencies want to take over. Logic and rationale cannot counteract the imbalance of brain chemicals.

With this I realise I feel hesitant in further studying about my craft in non-profit management because lately much of what I feel like doing is taking my own life. What is the point of building upon my management strategy when I don't even have the desire to be alive?

Much as I would like my work to succeed, sometimes depression just keeps wanting to overrule. I know with this month's worth of depressive episodes and suicidal thought days I probably need an alteration in medication. Till the next time I see my doctor some time next week, I will have to eke it out.

Also: my suicide action plan, for it to be foolproof and leave as little damage behind as possible, requires a lot of logistics. I don't have the energy for it. I just live with the pain because I am mostly unable to move.

Will I be alive next week? Will my ambition keep me going as it will this week for its projects? I cannot answer definitively. I am a burden to this world. I cannot keep on living. No matter how much I want to leave behind a legacy.

The will to survive will be trumped when depression takes over. Fact.