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Thursday, October 20, 2011

Sabotage

In some ways I feel like I avoid confrontation so I take the easy way out, too often. Instead of being an emissary I head out grab a grenade, unpin it and throw it in the building to destroy it, problem solved. No need for any more thoughts, meetings, discussions or pondering on problem-solving.

I think about what life will be like for me when I'm forty. That's eight years away. I would probably have pushed my depression into remission by then. Will I be doing management of a non-profit like I am now, but for different causes? Will I be on the ground, smoking Laotian cigarettes in slums?

Yes I still want to be a slum doctor. How that will work out for me financially I will find a way. If there is anything I'm good at I am probably good at fundraising.

But where does that leave my relationship in eight years' time? J won't be with me in that slum, or whichever village. He believes he needs to stay rooted in Singapore to provide for our family - us and our 4 cats. But that means we will be separated. That means that we can't minister together. I am scared of what that all will add up to.

Grenades are popping up in my mind now. Waiting to sabotage a what-could-be. J now is my best friend who cares for me like a caregiver should for one with severe depression. But some buildings may not be meant to last forever. In comes the grenade, thumb in the pin ring, ready to pull. I just don't know if I should sabotage what we have now for something I fear in the future.

Some things aren't meant to last forever. Marriage is, for I don't believe in divorce. But relationships aren't on paper and can end easily, with some simple logistics. I don't want to lose J as my best friend but yet I worry about what happens when we have to separate because our dreams are so different - that it might become a real separation.

Should I pull the grenade? Stick it out for the next few years and see where God leads my path towards? Keep a treasured best friend, or let him go to greener pastures?

I haven't a clue. But being afraid of confrontation, that grenade will be with me ready to be activated anytime.