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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Pain, my regular visitor

I'm in so much pain right now. Depression really hurts. It hurts like fuck, you want to kill it by killing yourself. The pain is akin to a splinter rammed into an already open wound - because I am already afflicted with depression symptoms every day, and a crash like this today just feels exactly like that. A wound upon a wound. One that makes you really want to die.

It is that bad. It hurts physically. Years and years of this. I will try to go on but am already planning my suicide notes and instructions to carry out upon my passing. I already have a foolproof suicide plan in place. Eventually I will die to suicide. Not to cancer or anything else. It is only a matter of time.

I don't want to live but I have reasons to live for - my cat rescue work. It doesn't take the suicidal desire to die, away. But for now it makes me medicate and trudge on.

My doctor asked me to go to emergency if I didn't feel better after medicating. I can't get hospitalised again. I have work to do.

Cry and you cry alone. Shoulders to cry on are fleeting. Pillows are more ever-present. And so is this pain for now. A pain only I alone can feel. A pain that no one wants a part of.