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Friday, October 14, 2011

Crush

When I was sixteen I had an intense crush on a girl named JY, two classes away from me. It was purely physical, sexual attraction, for I didn't know anything about her personally. Everytime I saw her my heart leaped, and I wrote a whole essay about her and my feelings for her. On prom night, I approached her finally, to ask if I could take a photo with her. It was an orgasmic moment - she said yes, and draped her arm around me.

Physical or not, a crush is a crush, and it is like that that I described: heart racing, orgasmic, almost illogical.

I have an intense crush on someone now, and it is not just sexual, because I know more about him than I did JY; he is an amazing person. Yet it feels exactly the same, makes me feel like a sixteen year old again. Heart racing so bad, and wanting to do all kinds of things with him like I wanted to with JY.

I am a bit too old to have a crush like this and being sent sixteen years back to relive the feelings of a crush is puzzling me. Why am I having a crush at this age, and one this intense?

Yet yes, you make my heart race and I wonder: with my stature now, will I end up doing the things I want to do with you for real now that we are both adults? Wondering this makes my heart race even more.