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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Trying to kill this pain

I haven't come this close again in a while.

Preparing to take my own life requires a few things. Nice underwear. Make-up. Making sure nobody finds me in the secret location - a field - where I want to die in.

I know I promised a lot of you I wouldn't do this again, but, it was really too painful these few days, weeks?, culminating in the most extreme pain yesterday, pain that mirrored what I felt before I last tried to die. I am truly sorry.

J came home just as I was selecting my underwear. If he didn't come home that hour, I would have already gone to the field.

"I just want to kill this pain... it's too painful."

He said, "If you ever decide you really want to go, don't leave without telling me. I am willing to die with you so you won't be alone in your pain."

Apart from J's intervention, my psychiatrist also called me back, and by then I had stayed alive for one more day.

The pain is still here, and am just medicating as much as possible to make it diminish so it doesn't hurt that much. I don't know when I will get out of this, this time around.