Sunday, May 08, 2011
Pain and numbness
Everything I feel manifests physiologically. I can experience the myriad of normal human emotions normally, with the aid of medication.
But deep down all I feel is pain, and if that is not felt at any present moment, what is left behind is emotional numbness.
The only time the inside of me matches the outside of what I show to the world is when I'm crying in pain. Sadness is the only synchronicity I have known for a long time, tears the only true physical manifestation of how I feel.
I can laugh sometimes, but with laughs coming from a hollow shell, echoes of what could have been from actually emotionally feeling happy.
I can present myself sane to the public for the sake of work and recovery, but deep down I only feel numbness, that euphoria of successes can hardly pierce through.
It makes me wonder how well and far in I am on my journey to push my depression into remission.
As of this moment, I am in pain inside so truly that tears manifest. Yet I also feel numbness in despair of what I cannot do. Helplessness is a numbing agent.
Every outward mark of sanity I present to humans is but from an empty shell, and afterward the experience of artificial sanity only exhausts me inside, that I keep sleeping to feel no longer pain or numbness.
When will this end so I can end the suffering of those who love me? I have no clue. I also don't know how much longer I want to drag others along with my pain and emptiness.