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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Before sunrise, before work begins

It is a new day, barely sunrise. I decided that today I would do all the tasks that have been backlogged since I fell ill.

Yet just before even I plunge into it all, I felt a sense of anxiety and stress overtaking my breathing and chest, and needed to medicate before I even began doing a single work task.

So I turn to my only respite aside from medication, that is writing. I am a cliche of a writer, smoking and having a coffee as I write this.

The medication has kicked in, so I will get to doing the stuff I need to do after this.

The sheer overwhelming load of the things-to-do is driving me insane because I can't handle long processes, and need to do things in small bits. So I will just have to try doing things a little at a time even though that need itself also drives me insane.

How normal do I feel today? If 10 was normal, I would be a 2 today. On my best days I am a 3 or a 4.

It ain't easy but I am trying.