Tuesday, October 12, 2010
wordless and worthless
I am all drained out today. Not that I did much by normal standards. I am sub-human. Weak and therefore rightfully should be judged as unreliable, irresponsible and ungrateful. That is how I see myself.
I am functioning at even less than my estimated 30% lately. As usual I am either sick, tired, depressed or having an anxiety attack. Sicknesses plagued me last week, tiredness last and this week. What's new? Nothing, just the usual, but worse.
I need to write for work but have been wordless. If I am not physically tired I am mentally exhausted. I can't rev myself up to be more productive. I wish I could, but I could sleep after two coffees and have two naps a day despite.
I try to give myself a chance, to accept that I am a far below-par human to the fellow human, the humans to whom I am indebted, to the human race. But lately my self-worth is down the drain. I am still wondering if I will ever be normal.
If I will ever be someone who is healthy. Who is only tired when it's bedtime. Who doesn't dread showering and getting dressed. Who doesn't dread waking up. Who doesn't need half the day to sleep. Who doesn't fear the phone ringing. Who enjoys leaving the house. Who can stop relying on cabs because public transport is no longer a phobia. Who can actually enjoy and relish being contactable via telephone and MSN and suchlike. Who can eventually stop having moments of crouching in a corner under a blanket. Who will stop falling sick all the time. Who will go out with friends. Who can work 10 hours straight a day.
Ah, the list is endless. Fuck it world. Enjoy us people with major depression, because 25% of us die from it - we are a true 'dying breed'.