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Saturday, October 16, 2010

omegas vs acute

Recently I got myself more religiously on the omega oils because doctor says it will help my depressive episodes. After taking them, I felt myself either numb or tired, and I got fed up with feeling unfeeling. So I took myself off them.

After a week of not taking them I realise that my regular bouts of feeling blue for no reason are back to being more acute. I guess that means the omegas helped. Am not sure if it caused the constant lethargy and need for sleep during the day. I will only know when I get back on them.

In the meanwhile, I take the feelings of sorrow as they come. I know it has been years but depression is a tune that doesn't get off the radio. It may change tempo but the song will keep playing, rearing its head well past the trend.

I know having depression may well mean I will have lesser friends. By choice, and otherwise too. I choose to talk to less people because it is too tiring for me to talk. If I do want to talk, no one will be keen on listening anyway because it is too negative for anyone to bear. Either way, most of the time I bear with it on my own.

I could write daily on how I feel - today is a 3 out of 10, 0 being utter pain and misery and 10 being happy; marking each day with a score (it usually is around 3-4 daily, not much to report). But in truth nobody really cares about it. The daily scores will probably only make sense to my doctor, whom we pay to care about how I feel.

Do I remember ever feeling happy. Yes, when I first got on the right dose of medications, and was introduced to the effects of antidepressants. I remember feeling, 'So this is what happy feels like.' But eventually of course the effect doesn't remain, it merely stuck around to keep me afloat after pushing me up to the surface, and brought me back to life.

Most of my friends are married, and so am I to some extent. My best mates will be best mates but we don't talk much anymore and they will be there if I do wish to talk. Yet no matter how, the pain of depression is personal. It is something most people do not understand, rightly seeing it as a weakness, unable to fathom the inability of one to shake the negativity off. If you understand it, I feel for you because you must have been there yourself.

So I will write. And the only way I can write is if I feel. Somehow the omegas numbed that. I will get back on them eventually and try to suss out if there is an upside to feeling numb. Numbness means no pain, which for me, where I feel pain almost on a daily level, is supposedly a great improvement.