Wednesday, September 22, 2010
After yesterday's resolve to move my career up another notch to alleviate the stress, I got the fear that every entrepreneur has, one of taking risks and worrying about failure. The debts and mortgage and about having money to eat. I feel a flashback to my life nine years ago. But this risk is meant to be.
Today my stress from yesterday led to a blistering migraine from the moment I woke up. I tried coffee. I tried paracetamol. In the end, I had to go to the doctor to get some Arcoxia. It helped much, and at least I no longer have to torture my liver and just pop one pill.
The doctor intuited that the migraine was caused by stress. Yet actually I don't feel the stress today like yesterday. I guess my body is the same as always, breaking out in all manner of illness with any kind of stress. I stopped shouting at people in anger due to stress a long time back, oldness brings calmness. I guess that means more of the stress is held up inside me, like a heroin-filled condom waiting to explode in a mule's stomach.
I felt more serene today because I had a revelation. I heard God speak to my heart, telling me, "It's not time yet, but it will be soon, and you will know when it is time." I can always trust God for visions and revelations and Him bringing them to pass. Today's word comforted me.
But knowing the vision of building the social enterprise I aspire will happen, albeit not now, means I have to work the plans already. Write it down and carry it. I have been fashioning plans in my head and I know I have the skills to carry it through. One constant in my life is that I often feel over-endowed with talents I did not do anything much to deserve and I can only attribute it to God's way of directing me through a meaningful, successful life of vision. I feel my experiences in shitty work places rear their head for the sake of contributing to upcoming success - working in sales means I dare now to audaciously raise funds for a good cause; working in a bank means I know how to appropriate financial resources sustainably and fruitfully; starting a business with H means I no longer fear entrepreneurial risks; making the leap into salaried life with an NGO means I am officially in the know of the charity sector. I feel like a super-hero that became one because he got bitten by a spider. Affirmatively I have no doubts I will succeed and it is not pride that brings me to say it but conviction, passion, vision and revelation.
Reading some of my older blog posts introspectively made me tear up. I still love Indochina, Asia as a whole. I still think about missionary work, even though I know now I need to rest, here at home in Singapore. My heart is still set on making a difference in this world. I wanted to save humanity, but in my weakest point God gave me animals to save instead, as if it were a prelude, a stepping stone. To? I no longer make myself cry over dreams unrealised, taking things one at a time instead, taking what is given now instead of dreaming of inheriting the whole earth at the same time.
God brought my first cat Slinky into my life when I really needed her, even before I knew it myself. My human existence needed the comfort of a cat and she has really gone through the shittiest times of my depression and stayed with me nonetheless. She was the catalyst for our cat rescue work. And now I carry this dream of helping her kind.
I will keep on going on, resting often because my flesh is weak, weaker than most normal human beings. At least I am alive. Vision will carry me, and I will keep carrying it.