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Wednesday, July 07, 2010

respite, maelstrom, catatonia and protein

I don't eat three meals in a day, usually. Just dinner and sometimes supper when hunger is brought on by my nightly Remeron dosage. My doctor says that my lack of eating means that I am not getting enough protein and thus making each depressive episode even worse. I am now supposed to eat an egg a day. And protein bars if I can stomach it.

During today's EMDR therapy, towards the end, I think I went into a catatonic state. I tried my best to get out of it. I was conscious, but unable to move or speak. It has happened before. And this was the second time my doctor managed to witness it. Before I went into muteness I said I felt safe in the doctor's office, which is where I was. I also said I felt safe at home, and when with my cats, and when with J. Then I went catatonic and stared into space, muted, rigid. I could feel the whole experience. When I forced myself out of it, I said that while I felt safe, inside me was a maelstrom. My doctor then said that our goal was to have the feeling of safety brought inside of me, so I could bring it wherever I went.

And because I have been sleeping much better lately - I am off melatonin and can sleep well with half my Remeron dosage - my doctor finally halved my Remeron dosage permanently. I hope I can do well on this new lowered dose. The cost savings and cessation of weight gain are key motivators in my wanting to have my Remeron reduced.

I had a really hard time on Monday. I felt an emotional crash, and it felt as bad as it was when I first started seeking treatment for my depression. Eventually, I took the meds I needed to, wrote my doctor an email, and had a shot of Glenfiddich whisky and can of Guinness Draught. It became better. I told my doctor that that was how I coped with the horrible depressive feeling on Monday, and that by Tuesday when he called me back, I was already better. He said today that the fact that the crash only lasted a day, it was good progress from the past when it would last for much, much longer. And that alcohol was an acceptable way to cope when necessary and not too often, and as long as I didn't drink as much as I did that I ended up hurting myself.

He also said that my discipline in regulating my work three-days-weekly, rest-four-days regime is paying off. Hence my sleeping better. During my non-work-days I force myself to rest and relax. I guess I can't expect to be a normal person so soon and be working six days a week as one should.

The weekly visits to the doctor are paying off, although it means I have to find ways to pay for them. God will provide, and I will work hard on the three-days-weekly. J might take a credit line to help out in the meanwhile. And my parents are helping me when they can. Do I still feel sad? Even right now, yes. But my eye-makeup stays in place; I will distract the tears with other things.

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