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Sunday, July 11, 2010

buoyant

I haven't been eating more protein like I was told by the doc on Wednesday, to reduce the severity of my depression. My fridge is full of eggs, untouched. I eat a muesli bar every now and then. My appetite sucks, lunch is impossible, dinner needs to be split into two meals.

The funks are still occurring. Earlier this afternoon, I told J, "We are in danger." when it was a peaceful afternoon. I told him to get me 2 Xan*axes and napped. I felt my heart palpitating badly when I awoke. I took two beta-blockers. Then I felt my mood descend into deep. I took a Fluanxol, burned a mix of clary sage, lavender and eucalyptus essential oil, soaked in the negative ions of my new (cheap) negative ioniser. It could be worse, I could be cowering under the sheets right now crying. But with medication, negative ions and aromatherapy, I feel literally afloat, neither out of the water nor sinking deep.

I don't know how long I can tread water tonight though. I think about a long day of work tomorrow and am not mentally prepared. Work three days a week, ha. I indulge in the hobby of my volunteer work everyday, and rest as much as possible. I still look forward to work with trepidation at times, feeling like I will let my students (or clients, if copywriting work) down.

I feel like a long glass of ice-cold Guinness Draught right now.

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