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Monday, June 14, 2010

it is happening again

The debilitating sadness, the panic attack, the crippling fear, the despair that sadness brings and the loop of disappointment and the setback it brings me. This pain is a waft of over-familiarity. I thought my tear ducts were dry by now but they aren't.

I can't even get myself to take a shower. I lie on the floor, or lean my forehead to the table, I can barely speak aloud. I call my doctor but he is out of town and have to settle for an email cry for help instead.

I want to stop crying but I can't. I don't even know what I am sad about, it is not a reaction to any sad situation, it is like my brain just short-circuited itself into severe serotonin deficiency again. It is happening again! Why!?

Must I always be in a life of leisure to keep this at bay? What about real life, where I have to work to pay the bills? I have to, but suddenly today, I can't, and I can't do anything about it. I can't teach while in the throes of a panic attack or in tears or sit across my student unwashed and barely vocal.

Like the fighter jet that wafts across the low-rise skies of my neighbourhood, the sound it emits comes and goes like a wail, and then no more, but the fighter jet still is somewhere out there, eventually returns to its military base nearby, but still remains.

It still remains. This incompetence of mine. The sudden ability to do anything that I ought to. Like work, like take a shower. Like be normal. I thought normalcy was returning but instead it is like my sky that has that fighter jet spit through it every so often as if beckoning for war.

War cries, like the pounding of my heart so hard that it wants to burst through my rib cage. Medication, and my cat coming to me and purring with her paw on my heart, all that is supposed to help but it ain't, yet, or perhaps never will properly.

Yes I feel a pain in my heart. From the physiological effect of a panic attack, from the sadness that is making me well up in tears. It hurts. I want to deny that. But I am supposed to acknowledge it.

I am lost and i don't know what to do.