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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

back on EMDR, and Springsteen's Thunder Road

Because my illness - my clinical depression - recently took a turn back to worse, or faced multiple 'troughs in an emotional waves' as my doctor put it, I am now back on EMDR therapy. To analyse, process and solve the bouts of severe depressive and anxiety episodes I keep having lately. Which is also why I am back on once-weekly doctor visits instead of once-monthly.

A funny thing came up during EMDR. I thought of Bruce Springsteen's Thunder Road. About how he sings to the girl to throw everything aside and head for a road trip. It made me feel better just hearing the lyrics inside my head while in the doctor's room.

Doctor taught me more again on how to battle the debilitating bouts of depression and anxiety that are happening so frequently now. Aside from the necessary medications - Xa*nax, Fluanxol, which treat the physiological distress a depressive episode or anxiety attack brings me; pain literally. Things like: Go for a run whenever it happens. Remember that it will not last forever. Do something else like a have a caffeinated drink, read or listen to music. It is normal to have a crash, especially in people who are artistically inclined. Where there are crests there are troughs (I replied to this by telling him it is so 'Men Are From Mars'. He responded by using other analogies of valleys and mountains and of sine curves).

I am glad I haven't been wearing much eye makeup to the doctor visits lately, because it hurts a lot sometimes when we resurface the pain to resolve it and I don't want to get mascara in my eyes when I wipe the tears off.

I told him that I already failed in my attempt to work only three days a week and that yesterday, supposed work day for me, I crashed into a storm of pain and despair, so much that I double-dosed on every medicine I had that would calm me. I ended up sleeping the whole day and not sleeping at night because I was so hungover from meds.

The subliminal message he has been trying to tell me is that is okay to fail, to let people down, to time-out when I have to, to do very little instead of planning to do it all and failing horrendously.

So I am going to relish today, a non-work day for me. And put Springsteen's Thunder Road on repeat.