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Wednesday, December 09, 2009

today's emdr

Today I had a very fruitful session of therapy with my psychiatrist. Normally it is fruitful nonetheless but today there were a lot of issues to deal with, and my doctor did EMDR for me to help me address these issues.

I have been feeling exhausted. That is normal for me, of course. The way the exhaustion presents itself: after teaching I am so exhausted that I am too exhausted to rest. I have no energy to go downstairs to eat or meet my friends at the pet shop.

My doctor asked me how long have I felt this exhausted. At first I answered, always. He asked, since when. I realise that I have been feeling exhaustion since I was in JC. The only time I recall feeling rested was when we were camping one night on Pulau Seletar around the campfire, after a day of canoeing. Ever since JC time I have been feeling exhausted almost every day, unable to wake up, needing to drink after work almost every night. After ruling out possible physical causes, my doctor asked me, "Are you still depressed?" I didn't answer yes or no. But it seems that the answer eventually surfaced to us as a yes.

I still feel depressed sometimes, I cope by blinding myself to sad things and staying at home as much as possible to shield myself from stressors. Reading the news makes me sad, so I don't. I am an empath at heart, political for the causes of the innocent; when I read about, say, a flood uprooting people from their homes, I actually feel like I am living the experience of these very people. I break down and cry.

And so the good doc told me how to look at this positively. Political advocacy is a good thing. I stopped feeling sad about being sad when I learn of incidences of injustice. I guess this feeling will always be with me and I cannot hide myself from the news for long.

As for my exhaustion, while I may not be able to prevent it from happening for now, we found a way to deal with it. I decided that when I am exhausted I can still fulfill my social obligations. I can just be there, not having to do much. And that is how I will cope for now.