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Monday, November 09, 2009

suddenly

For some reason the impending storm that was coming in real life did not positively-ionise my feelings, instead, I have plunged into an incoming panic attack, subverted by the last two X*anaxes in my medicine drawer.

I don't know what brought it about. I was suddenly on edge and then I felt it coming. Like the storm was.

Then it happened. Before I could lose my ability to speak as I often do when I get a panic attack, I medicated. And try to relax, as if! Like wishing a brain tumour away I suppose.

Then the dilemma came. I had to go teach. I couldn't. Not today. Not this afternoon. Not in the rain. Not when my chest was hurting and I felt miserable. And on the verge of losing my voice and consciousness.

I am not sure if it is because I forgot to take my antidepressants for the past I-don't-know-how-many days. I felt fine actually. Though I did tear up when I was watching the scene in Gossip Girl last night when Lily and Rufus re-united with their son in Chinatown after two decades of not knowing where he was.

Back to right now, I still feel sick; my chest is constricted, my hands are tingling. I am finding it hard to speak. I took a Remeron, which in Plum Sykes' book Debutante Divorcees one of the characters raves on about as the world's strongest antidepressant - one lick and it sends you to twelve-hours of sleep. It doesn't work that way for me. But I am running out of pills.

Which came back to my dilemma. I needed to go teach because I had to collect my fees today. Because I have to go for my medical appointment on Wednesday, and I needed the money to pay for it. I sent J to go get it for me instead, as this student lives near his workplace. I think he didn't want to. But I couldn't postpone anything - my upcoming medical appointment because I need the meds, my lessons today to tomorrow, because tomorrow I am already fully booked with other students.

Maybe all this busy teaching is finally taking its toll on me again. I don't know.

I don't know what brought this on. All I know is that right now I don't feel like talking and I feel extremely weak. I feel terrible. I just want to fall asleep again, peacefully this time, and try to make this all go away. I feel helpless otherwise.