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Wednesday, August 05, 2009

chaos

The past few days have been chaos.

I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights, finding myself awake; I spend the nights reading and playing DS.

I then wake up in the middle of the day, to find the house in a mess, and my cats hungry and thirsty. But because I haven't slept well I cannot find any energy to clean up much after feeding the cats.

My phone has been disconnected, I can't make calls or send texts. Breaking a million promises to call and be contactable.

I am still unable to do anything work-related. I get terribly stressed when I know I have students who need me, when I need to work because I have no money. But the stress, even just thinking about it, is overwhelming to the point I cannot do anything remotely work-related.

It is coming to a point I am starting to feel desperation. What am I going to do? I am stuck.

I am supposed to restart my EMDR therapy once a fortnight again, so I can get over this.

But I wake up thinking my appointment was yesterday, and find out actually it is next week. How could I not be able to count a fortnight worth of waiting?

I am filled with trepidation just thinking of the problems I have to solve.

It is terrible to be sick amongst people who are broke.

Wit's end. I sometimes wish an aeroplane from the nearby military air-strip would accidentally fly into my building and kill us all. Far better than the feeling of death I face every time I get a panic attack, thinking my heart is going to stop. Far better than having to solve problems so I can get well, so that I can get well and solve problems. Round and round, the opposite of swift.

I can't do this anymore. Resilience can only take me this far.