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Monday, May 25, 2009


I don't think I can do this.

Going to church still scares me: the crowd, the close proximity of seats and rows, the long line in and out of the church - what if a fire breaks out? It feels like Mecca, where people might die in a stampede.

But yesterday I went to another church and it felt so much better: spacious, more than one exit. The only problem was waking up early to go, though we can always go to another service in the evening.

I don't think I can do this.

I need to find more work to cover my medical costs, and the bills. But I cannot fathom doing any more than I already am. Every expedition out the house requires medicating on my part, and a lot of psyching up. I can tolerate private teaching like I am doing now, but any sort of reintegration into society will leave me helpless like a deer caught in headlights. Already the thought of it leaves me faint - I literally feel the blood leave and shrink back from my head and my fingers and legs...

I cannot do this -

Psycho-social rehabilitation, or getting back into society.

Getting my brain to work again. I seem to have lost some of my cognitive skills, short-term memory, ability to multi-task.

Stabilising my mood. I am still irritable at times, and prone to feeling intense bouts of anger or sadness. Either that or I am so mellow I am hardly present.

Disconnecting the triggers to panic attacks - like now, writing this makes me extremely ill.

When am I ever to get well?

I still need my parents' financial support - damn the whole 'insurance doesn't cover psychiatric services' thing. They are not well-off, and I obviously have no savings, only debts. Welcome to the credit crunch. I know God will provide, but in the meantime I feel terrible.

Not only am I unable to work properly, I still find basic responsibilities like replying messages, household chores and admin much more troublesome and difficult than it ought to be. Even getting dressed is difficult.


Medication helps.
I feel better already.