<body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/platform.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar.g?targetBlogID\x3d5285808\x26blogName\x3dworlds+upon+words\x26publishMode\x3dPUBLISH_MODE_BLOGSPOT\x26navbarType\x3dBLUE\x26layoutType\x3dCLASSIC\x26searchRoot\x3dhttps://takingavalonapart.blogspot.com/search\x26blogLocale\x3den\x26v\x3d2\x26homepageUrl\x3dhttp://takingavalonapart.blogspot.com/\x26vt\x3d3541997982772511648', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>
Saturday, April 18, 2009

somnolence and anhedonia are just excuses

I honestly feel terrible; I am guilt-wracked. I have almost no money and yet I am stuck, frozen, unable to get out and do things that I have to. Nothing gives me pleasure, everything is reduced to basal needs that need to be filled: thirst, hunger, a need for rest and energy. I try. I try to occupy myself with activity, I try to get things done. Most of the time I fail. It is as if my body conjures up excuses for irresponsibility in the form of panic attacks and sicknesses and severe needs for bed-rest. It would be much easier if I didn't have to get out of the house. I usually get stuck at getting washed and dressed to go out. Or at the lack of money to cab around because I cannot take public transport most of the time. I just want to stay at home.

Obligations slide off me like water off plastic. I cannot logically process - and act on - the steps toward doing simple things like sending an SMS, paying a bill. Sending an SMS means: (1) finding my phone (2) reading the text I have to reply (3) thinking up of what I need to say in an appropriate manner (4) finding the person's number and (5) sending the text. After which I need to reply. Before which I need to get out of my chair and find the phone. The thought of having to do that in itself fills me with anxiety. Freeze. And I cannot move.