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Saturday, April 18, 2009

somnolence and anhedonia are just excuses

I honestly feel terrible; I am guilt-wracked. I have almost no money and yet I am stuck, frozen, unable to get out and do things that I have to. Nothing gives me pleasure, everything is reduced to basal needs that need to be filled: thirst, hunger, a need for rest and energy. I try. I try to occupy myself with activity, I try to get things done. Most of the time I fail. It is as if my body conjures up excuses for irresponsibility in the form of panic attacks and sicknesses and severe needs for bed-rest. It would be much easier if I didn't have to get out of the house. I usually get stuck at getting washed and dressed to go out. Or at the lack of money to cab around because I cannot take public transport most of the time. I just want to stay at home.

Obligations slide off me like water off plastic. I cannot logically process - and act on - the steps toward doing simple things like sending an SMS, paying a bill. Sending an SMS means: (1) finding my phone (2) reading the text I have to reply (3) thinking up of what I need to say in an appropriate manner (4) finding the person's number and (5) sending the text. After which I need to reply. Before which I need to get out of my chair and find the phone. The thought of having to do that in itself fills me with anxiety. Freeze. And I cannot move.