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Tuesday, December 30, 2008


Doctor says I am a complex case, probably because of many traumatic (small 't') incidents in my past, including during infancy, which has shaped my emotional and physiological responses. Because talking is not helping - I am too emotionally clammed up, too repressive, and the probably traumatic memories are so far behind in my childhood (all conclusions mine) - we are launching me into EMDR. I bought a book and read about it. It simulates REM - rapid eye-movements - that occur during sleep, during which we retrieve and process information (hence dreams). During REM simulation, historical information that is wrongly processed causing my off-balance neurologic and thus my depression and panic disorder, can be re-engineered so that I can coax my brain into performing correctly. Sounds like psycho-babble, but those of you who read enough into psychological disorders will probably know what I mean.

Because of the skin rash I got from my mood-stabiliser I had been taken off from it, and went back in time. Depression is painful again and more so, sleep disturbed, appetite lost, energy even more far-gone, sadness a daily affair, and I hardly talk. I am now on an NaSSA alongside the 3-a-day SSRI I have been taking for more than a year now. I sleep better now. Hopefully my meds kick in soonish and I can progress in my EMDR therapy.

My dad wishes he has the money to send me for the magnetic version of ECT (article outdated) which currently is only approved in the US and some parts of Europe. It sounds less scary than therapy that would induce painful memories. But avoidance is part of the problem I guess, so I am bravely going into my second year of psychotherapy with hope that I will get better. Borrowed hope, in any case - from God himself, from J, from my mom and dad. It is far better for me to die, but for them, far better that I live and recover. So I am going on.