Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I am in an extremely warped plane of reality, as if I have phased out of this plane yet I am still here, a stone marker to the location of me. Reality is gibberish to me, and I zone out and distance myself from everything just so the gibberish quietens. I lose myself through living vicariously in-game, or else I lay back in silence, reading. In any way, I tune out from this world.
The world has let me down, of course. I have no energy, am often frozen in fear, each task a weight. I have no desires save lately for a cup of coffee affogato. I have no feelings, else I feel so immensely pained and saddened. My daily objective is to try and get better. It has been a long time, and I am still trying, trying to allay my symptoms, think introspectively, allow my feelings blah blah blah I am tired of trying not to be tired and depressed. I am toeing the line the tide makes that threatens to sweep me away.
Everything just converts to gibberish because everything is meaningless. The Bell Jar. Hshouyre wyouhnpods tyounlsoptn yuo wyour opf suihrh xxxxxxxxxxxx.
Is life so bad that I have to feel this sad, this scared? No, my brain is just malfunctioned. If I lived in the seventies, I would be given ECT straightaway, no questions asked. Instead, now I have to figure out the gibberish while tuning it out, the touchy-feely way. Go through it, get through it.
It has been a long time, I am tired.