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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

psychosmatic sleeplessness

I can't sleep because the upper right side of my back hurts when I lie down, either way. Even though I am exhausted and med-up. I also cannot help thinking too much when I lie down, of things exciting to come or of dreary trivia or of sweet things. I get worked up in my heart and mind and my body cannot rest as it should at this time of night. Yet I am really sleepy.

I have repeatedly rubbed my right shoulder and back with massage oil before bed but it is still there. Not a bruise, for it is uncoloured, not my lungs, for I am still breathing and regular breathing does not hurt it. Not a lump in my breast because I cannot detect any. This pain just remains, and hurts only when I sneeze, hiccup or lie down. If it is a muscular pain I have no idea how I strained it.

I read up on psychosomatic illnesses, and aches and pains are somewhat a symptom of depression. This sucks. I also hate the ever-present tiredness, and the fainting spells I get sometimes.

So many ailments I fear to resume my regular workouts, which strains on my physical stamina as a whole. I have to change tack, go swimming instead, with J. Out comes the anti-cellulite / firming gel I need to use to not cause disgust to the other pool-users when I disrobe.

I have always been sickly and I hate myself for that. For whatever I do it makes little difference to my health.

Later when I return to bed to once again try to sleep, the quiet will shrill itself into my head and keep me awake. That and all my thoughts. I just hope I don't wake J with my sleeplessness.