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Friday, July 25, 2008

friends... or not

It is nice to talk serious stuff with someone - philosophy, spirituality and the like - and not feel tired out by it. Intellectual conversations spiced with witty banter, yet with honesty and a lack of frivolity about life, these things in conversations make a friendship even more meaningful.

Group conversations tire me out more. I can talk with someone one-on-one for a much longer time. Recently most of the people I spend time with outside of the virtual world, i.e. Real Life, are my gaming buddies. They are mostly guys. I like talking to them in a group and one to one, one being more tiring than the other, but our common interest draws us together and it is more fun than it is pressurising to be with them, compared with other groups of friends.

Sometimes it gets unclear; Platonic relationships are hard to define, with so many male species of friends in my circle now. So many seemingly implied actions, mixed with emotional (and recreational) intimacy, it is hard to interpret if they want friendship only, or more. I love my girlfriends because our intimacy has no such barriers, but of course, my girlfriends are high-end achievers in their careers and very busy, so it is not often we have bonding sessions of intimacy. Hence most of my emotional intimacy is derived from my more available friends now, unfortunately male. So the lines get a bit unclear.

Especially in this day and age. What actions imply an intention to create a more-than-friends relationship? Times are cheap; even after two friends, say, have sex together, it could be nothing more than just a recreational activity that two friends indulge in together. Things get confusing and I hardly want to be a part of such grey activity. But even other things can get misconstrued: sentences such as "I like talking to you," "I can't sleep without hearing your voice first," "You have beautiful eyes," and other seemingly unclear intimate statements that wouldn't be unclear if it were a girlfriend. What do you mean when you say such things to a sex that you might be attracted to?

Especially with men, not boys. Boys lay their feelings on the line more easily; I could get more success with asking, "Are you in love with me?" and things turn black or white far sooner. Men don't let their emotions betray their actions, acting calculatedly and are far more able to see woods for the trees. Which makes me just another tree - nothing special really. That aside, with men it is far harder to guess their intentions because very little emotion is on display and these emotions may or may not be authentic of love or similar. They play the girl-game like a chess event. With this generation of men I really am not sure sometimes and I cannot really ask for fear of losing a friend.

So the game of implications and implications continue on. Is it just me?

Platonic friendships were easier when I was younger. I was one of the guys, and I knew that, and they knew that. Times then were more black and white: physical contact that buddies do not indulge in, simply implies interest in a more-than-friends connection. This connection is clear, it is a love relationship with intention to eventually marry. No such things as fuck-buddies, flings or just-for-now relationships. While I am still very boyish, it is sometimes harder to been seen as just one of the boys nowadays. The rules have changed, and I am older and I guess more womanly no matter how many male-traits I still have. (Fats perhaps?)

In the past it was classic knowledge to not lead someone on if you are not interested the way he is. You don't invite a guy back to your place for coffee because coffee means sex, so unless that isn't your intention you don't extend that kind of invitation. I don't think such courtesies are very relevant nowadays. Maybe because people are lonelier now, they like the company and attention even if they don't want to love the other person back now, or ever. They want to fill the gaps and voids in their lives. Love has become impossible to them and hence activities of love indulged with someone passable, will suffice. We live in cheap times. I admit I have fallen.

Thus I have framed this poem up in my room to remind me:

Be not afraid,
You should never be
- Neglected
Fearful of loss
For loss brings
gain - in love
gain - brings loss
in dignity.
You are greater -
than you - imagine
I love you all the
same - he should