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Monday, July 28, 2008

falling in love sensibly

Is it actually possible to fall in love without visions of falling into fields of flowers, or of lights in the skies; or of feelings you get in a dream-like state, while quivering, and wanting to kiss the person madly?

I have only been in love like that twice in my life. It scares me to have to ever feel like that once again, probably because when that happens I end up losing the person in the end anyway. My fear of loss has penetrated me that much. While I am an emotive person, my steely exterior gives little away if I can help it, and I often look away and no longer into a person's eyes. I make humour out of everything and talk of serious issues looking into the distance. I am intimacy-phobic because I am phobic of loss and abandonment. I hardly want to quiver in a person's presence again.

Flowers, lights and quivers don't last anyway. Love is innately sensible. Right?

I can skip the falling in love madly part and go straight to loving a person madly. I lose the person usually anyway, but at least that way, it is easier to forget when he goes. I know that sounds really cynical but I am certainly no Jennifer Hudson in SATC wearing a LOVE keychain.

I don't dare to delve anymore into my emotions because it only opens the floodgates of pain that I have felt for twenty eight years of my life. I still feel fear being neglected and abandoned. I still feel regret for losing the only two people I ever fell in love with madly in my life, the flowers and lights and quivers I felt with them. Falling in love is a sad thing.

How am I supposed to fall in love senselessly if I think this way? Like my doc says, this is not the real me, I am not being authentic if I only think, and no longer feel. From today, I will try harder to let my tears come, and to let my heart go.

But I am so scared.