Thursday, June 26, 2008
written from this afternoon until long after the sun set
I came out without a notebook and pen to town and really freaked out in panic. It is scary to have words and no paper to park them on.So I hopped into Muji @ Paragon and got these.
I am now sitting at Coffee Bean Paragon to park these words.
Waiting, for the emergency 'tiding over' meds to kick in.
They haven't yet, really.
So I will keep writing.
It is a lonely day, carrying this sickness, without company.
I just want someone to snuggle up to and hug. Is that so hard to find? Even a girlfriend will do, but they, my girlfriends, are busy.
I just want this pain to go away.
It is not easy. Eventually it may become so. But I don't know how to get there! Nothing seems to help right now.
I don't want to be banished to JB. I will be even lonelier than before. I know I will die there.
I don't want to go anywhere. It is lonely everywhere. Just a matter of how much.
Come on meds, tide me over.
Tide me over. Tide me over.
Tide me over. Tide me over.
Now.
The pain has become beyond white. It is now ashen. My heart has been broken down by pain. Slowly. It will turn to ashes.
Tide over. Tide over. Tide over.
Tide over. Tide over. Tide over.
There is a leaden weight in me, like a despondency, that I carry around. I am almost desperate to have it removed. I don't care if I die in the process.
I am running out of words like I am running out of tears. I am giving up on the idea of having some companionship. I am tired of hoping I will be fully recovered, functioning, and fulfilling my dreams one day. I am tired of all this and of carrying around the deadweight in my heart.
When is this going to end?
I am too much of a burden for anyone, even people in combined strengths. I am like the injured soldier they should leave behind.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I am no longer thinking it is possible to live without pain in this world, in my heart. I am one of the worst patients ever. Maybe I should be hospitalised. I should be injected and zapped to get me cured. My mom doesn't even seem to get the extent of my suffering. I am beyond repair. Like a brain-dead patient on life-support. I should be killed. It is not feasible to keep me going, alive like this.
I feel so lonely. But my loneliness is too big a burden for anyone to bear, even me. I will be lonely forever.
Tide over, tide over.
My loneliness and sadness is too big to bear. God, you have to let me see the reality of what you already bore for me on the cross.
Tide over, tide over.
I want to wake up and feel no more pain when I do.
I want to feel no more pain.
Take away the pain, please. I am not as resilient as I need to be to get out of this alive.
Kick in, meds, kick in. Tide me over. Tide me over. Kick in. Kick in.
I want to wake up with no more pain. I want to die. Take me away from here. Separate this pain from me. Take it away.
I want to wake up with no more pain. Take this pain away.
The pain is metathesizing greatly. Kill it kill it kill it. I want to die. Kill it. The pain is me. It's mine. I need to die to kill it. I want to die I want to die I want to die.
Cut me up so I no longer exist.
Neglect caused this. Abandonment caused this. Loneliness caused this. Lack of affection caused this. I am pain, caused by everything that is no one's fault.
How am I supposed to extricate all that is wrong with me and make it right so I can function and walk again? It is an impossible task for me, I am already burdened by this overwhelming pain.
Tide over, tide over.
Even if the pain goes away, my fears won't.
"Liver, you have got to metabolise the meds and work for me and take away this pain."
Take away this pain. Go away. Go away. Extricate yourself from me and go away. I need you to leave.
I am alone. Well and truly alone. I have lost all my defenses and my independence. I have no ability to rise above the storm. I am the casualty; in every storm and flood there must be some who take the fall. I am one of them.
--
The meds kick in.