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Wednesday, June 04, 2008

"it's coming down to just a drizzle now"

I think... my cocktail of meds is finally almost optimal. I feel normal. I still feel phobic. But I think I can get there.

Depression is like a ghost that takes you over, like a mugger on the street. You react because you had to. Then, when it is over... life resumes... it almost is like you never got mugged except that you are now wiser on the streets.

I no longer feel very poetic, nor do I write a lot in my notebooks.

But I no longer feel tired talking about myself. I no longer feel tired all the time, even without coffee. This, is truly amazing.

I am finally the chirpy person I should be like my doctor said his patients should by now.

It has been about one or two weeks of normal. I am still phobic and easily angered and stressed. But my depression is lifting and my energy is returning. I think I am coming back from the dead, fatter and more talkative, with more energy.

I really thought I would never get better. Eventually I am sure I will be given something to help me conquer my fears and stress and anger. As for now, meds, Slims and Corona save the day. And for that I am already thankful.

I kept asking God the same thing over and over this year: why did you put me through this shit?

He finally replied me loud and clear: Because the devil wanted you and I said he wouldn't be able to, even if he tried.

People say that you need to have faith in God et cetera. But I think God's faith in us is even more amazing sometimes.