Monday, June 23, 2008
I am in an emotional funk because I tried to pay some bills at the machines and they just kept screwing me over. Technological infrastructure riles me when I am functioning normally but this peeving has slaughtered my emotional health for the day. I feel off-balance and there is so much anger in me caused by the bill-paying, it has not abated long after I have solved (partly) the issue. What is it about even daily chores that anger me so, so much? How am I suppose to withstand the stresses of the daily world if I cannot even remain normally calm and just a bit peeved for a short while? DVD, reading, bubble tea and cigarettes later, I am still angry. But I hardly have the heart to rant about it and spoil anyone's day, so I eat my anger up, and keep it within me like nuclear energy waiting to be exploited by ill means. I am so angry. All I want to do is sleep the day off but I am not sleepy enough to sleep properly. I don't feel like watching my DVD anymore, nor reading, nor gaming. I am angry and upset that I am angry. This anger is crazily knitting up my chest and heart and all I want to do is surgically extricate it from the centre of my being. Maybe it is time to go back on my x*anax. This is a fucked up world and for me with no longer any shit-taking capacity, even more so. I want to be a non-living thing.