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Sunday, March 02, 2008

four months, pre-breakup entry in my diary

This is an au naturel entry copied straight from my notebook to here. I wrote it then, and re-read it recently, and shocked myself for not seeing the signs earlier. It might be offensive to some readers, but bear with my honesty: it was originally not meant for public audience.

First October 2007


I think of C and I think again of how he cannot deal with my depression. About all times he has said self-preservative cocky words like how he cannot spend his life with a depressive because he doesn't want his children to be depressed, because he needs not to be with someone who is so negative "all the time". About how he fears he will lose his career trajectory if he has to stay home to take care of a clinically depressed wife. I think about his inherent negativity displayed through anger and resentment at the world. His plastic, fake family and their disgusting matriarchal rituals and parties and Cantonese small talk and forced hellos. I think about how C hates talking about anything serious - ideas, dreams, problems in our relationship (because it is not productive to). About how I can't be myself like I am with God, with him. And how he can't seem to want to love God and know his truth and not his warped falsities from his Catholic upbringing. I hate him but I know he loves me, which is hard to find. And I feel comfortable reading in bed next to him. And we make up after every fight well enough to smooth all his fur and ruffled feathers. If I leave him I will truly be alone in this flat till I die. He is supportive of me and I do love him most of the time, just not very lovingful right now because I am still hurt by his shouting at me yesterday. If I tell him this, he will shout more, and talk about leaving me.