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Friday, March 07, 2008

"As long as you are happy"

This is what my mom said to me. Which is why she allows me to go out. To do whatever I wish to, whatever my agenda, whoever the friends. After all, she has met almost all of them before, at least once, I guess.

"When I see you just sleeping in your room everyday in the afternoons, I feel very sad." My mom knows now that sleeping too much, like insomnia, is a symptom of depression. Those are the afternoons I feel tired from trying to recover. When I just want to be myself, by myself; to rest from recovery. Also, I caught a cold recently, and have been on antibiotics and cough medicine etc. Combined with my current cocktail of psych meds, of course I sleep all the time.

Like today. I really wanted to go out, and shop for some stuff I need for the house. But I was so tired, I woke at dinner time, and all I could do was go for a long walk. To Katong. I just needed to get out of the house.

I came home after that long walk to find my mom out. Apparently there was nothing she could find on TV to watch, so she went to the coffeeshop for wings and beer by herself. Finding this out, I felt selfish for planning my own agenda, leaving her alone in the flat while I went out and walked and met people and did my own stuff. I felt bad that I didn't suggest things we could do together. But she really didn't mind it at all; she really wants me to plan my own activities and such, and not to worry about her. I am not sure how much of it is just mother-talk. The thing is, I already do spend time with her, but in the flat, chit-chatting non-stop.

I think my mom and I both need to find some work to do in the near future. I am scared shitless of work; there are very few things I can handle now without triggering a panic attack. My mom still wants to be around to take care of me. This is the status quo, for now. (Even though we have dwindling finances).

(Okay, writing this post is making me stressed and sad. I shall stop here.)