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Thursday, February 14, 2008

bored yet scared

So anyway I managed to do a few things I haven't been doing properly:

I went out and met friends and replied text messages and answered phone calls.

I took a train ride! Although it is only one stop but I managed to do it. I felt a bit crazy doing it but I did not have a panic attack and I told myself it was okay and actually believed me even if it was slight. And I did it without Xan*ax.

I told people my problems. Let me be self-absorbed for the moment please! Sorry if I repeat stories I don't remember who I confided in and what. I am not good at this problem-sharing business still, now I just blurt out everything. Eventually I will find my place between the continuum of isolation and diva-dom.

I feel happy. Serotonin is a beautiful brain-chemical to regulate.


What hasn't changed:

My memory is still poor.

I am still very weak,
my hands are shivery, I can't write,
I feel tired, I feel cold.

I can't sleep well.

I still haven't regained interest in reading, gaming or writing.

I still haven't regained my appetite.

I still feel strange telling people about myself, warts and all. I feel very diva-like now and I hate it.

I still fear going back to work. Any work.