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Thursday, January 24, 2008

cannot sleep + medicine = fantasy story writing

"Whatever you do, don't fall for me."

I tell this into his eyes mad with longing fulfilled and again. He has beautiful eyes, ones I can see myself in, eyes that are true and childlike. You barely notice them until you talk to him close up and find his big eyes responding to you. When he speaks, I watch his mouth; he has perfectly odd shaped lips that are poised for a kiss that is made of romance and all things young and sweet, a kiss that tastes of virginity and a foreign heartache. He drives me mad in my race to fall asleep. He is a dream. And while I am real, we get lost in each other, intertwined, arms flailing till we collapse together in psychedelia.

This is madness; it is my loneliness mixed with his purity, my brazenness with his subtlety, our mutual longing for loving friendship in the night.

It is complicated, because I have a young daughter borne from a recent love. She either needs a man of the house to stay in our lives, or just me - permanency. But my friend with the beautiful eyes is a travelling young writer with a promising journalistic career ahead of him. He is smart and brilliant, loving words as much as I do, loving Asia as much as I do, and more. But he is naive, and only the age I was when I gave birth to beloved Esther, who is now eight.

I speak to him everyday and find a lost love in him, one that I should have had, but never did, for all the men I fell in love with before, were already men when I met them, full of hardness and cynicism. They all tell me to trust them, while they proceed to break my heart again, and leave with the need to preserve themselves over love and their lover. But Sam is different, because he tells me instead that he trusts me, that I am already the strong woman I should be. It makes me feel unique, to be trusted in blind faith, to be loved unconditionally, at least for the moment. I feel like I am the only person he wants to be with, instead of having to share him with all the other things in life that fills a man's mind. However regressive this may sound, but it is nice to feel like the only one that is special to someone you care about deeply.

Call him irresponsible, for I know he is going to fall in love with me anyway, and think about the consequences only after. It is hard to not give in to those beautiful eyes. For now, I tell him, "Let's see how we feel, when we wake up in the morning together."